A can-do owner would make magic happen. Reinsdorf is a can’t-do owner who spends too much time with his beloved White Sox at U.S. Cellular Field—where his maniacal manager is a national laughingstock—and not nearly enough with the Bulls. If basketball is such an afterthought for him, why doesn’t he sell the team to someone who would care more? Say, a group headed by Jordan? - Jay Mariotti

For a few dollars more, Mike D’Antoni sold his soul to the devil in order to coach the Knicks, the worst running act in New York and unrivaled putrid laughingstock (it sure as hell ain’t Ozzie or the White Sox) of all North American professional sports.  D’Antoni is an immediate and infinite improvement over Isiah Thomas who now is paid to sit at home and do absolutely nothing. Just one problem however. Those millions thrown at D’Antoni by the perpetually confused James Dolan cannot lace on shoes and hit the basketball court.

Good luck Mike. Hope the little extra cash was worth it.

Quite predictably, Jay is beside himself over D’Antoni accepting the Knicks $24 million offer. And without any fact checking, interviewing, text messaging or even picking up the phone, the hateful dwarf scorches Reinsdorf as being frugal and Paxson indecisive.

And that would be fine, I suppose had a few facts been first verified. After all, Jay’s shtick does mandate opining over local sporting matters. However, one would think that some form of collaborative evidence, oh say asking the Bulls what their final offer was to D’Antoni, would strengthen the argument’s claim that Reinsdorf is “cheap” other than mentioning other supposed deals that fell through.  And keep in mind, these imaginary deals for Gasol and Bryant were equally void of verification on Jay’s part as well.

In typical Jay fashion, the bigger story is negated in order to dumb down the column with opportunistic hateful rantings against the local sports team. It would have been far more interesting to learn why D’Antoni preferred to sign with the Knicks over the Bulls other than money. When one is already a multi-millionaire, is it really that super important or worth it to land the absolute best deal when confronting such lunacy as displayed in New York rather than hammering out an agreement with the Bulls?

The Knicks are required to overspend to land a respectable coach willing to maneuver about in Isiah Thomas’ vacated manure pile. And keep in mind that this was the very same cesspool that chewed up and spit out career mercenary Larry Brown. The Bulls already have a young talented team that should compete for the upper echelon of the Eastern Conference if Paxson plugs a few holes by ridding the Bulls of certain quitting malcontents. D’Antoni better have negotiated free psychotherapy into his new deal otherwise those extra dollars are worthless should he inevitably end up in straight jacket.

Finally, it is worth noting Jay’s continual campaigning for His Airness to acquire the Bulls:

If basketball is such an afterthought for him, why doesn’t he sell the team to someone who would care more? Say, a group headed by Jordan? And don’t tell me he feels burned because he actually coughed up a market-value contract in 2005 for Scott Skiles, who did solid work before crashing last season. What, Reinsdorf is going to stop trying and spending now?

This is ludicrously presumptive and the stuff of fanciful self-indulgent shoddy journalism at its worst. First of all, Michael Jordan is already an owner with the Charlotte Bobcats. There have been more cougar sightings in Evanston than catching Jordan at Bobcats games so at best, it is rather questionable that Mike even desires to be an everyday hands on NBA owner, let alone being in charge of the Chicago Bulls. And again, this would be far more interesting and dare say credible, if Jordan actually expressed any public interest towards acquiring the Bulls.

If Jay actually had this scoop, it would be Lisagor contending stuff indeed. 

But then again, that would require a little elbow work, honest effort and not being “small-minded”. Virtues apparently that have no place on the back page of the Chicago Sun-Times.

If Lou is (bleeped) up, riddle me this: Just what exactly is Ozzie? - Jay Mariotti

Answer: The exact opposite of Jay Mariotti.

And there are an awful lot of us baseball fans who appreciate that mighty big difference.

Not much new to report on this morning’s typical tirade as all the usual suspects make their appearance:

1. Soriano stinks.
2. Hill stinks.
3. Cubdom stinks.
4. Lilly kinda stinks.
5. Alou stinks.
6. Something about a Bad News Bear.
7. Jim Hendry’s heart stinks.
8. Some unfunny reference concerning Len Kaspar and Bob Brenly

You get the idea.

But hey wait a minute. What of Ozzie?

Oh yeah, it just wouldn’t be a baseball column* without mentioning the Blizzard. The back page dwarf provides this little misconstrued quote from the White Sox manager:

“Who’s the manager they remember most? Billy Martin,’’ Ozzie Guillen said. “They don’t remember Sparky Anderson. They remember Billy Martin because he was the crazy one. Why do you think they like Lou Piniella? Because Lou is good? Great guy. Great baseball people. But people love Lou Piniella because he’s (bleeped) up!”

On the surface, that seems rather harsh. And the pundit would enjoy nothing more than an angry mob of Cub fans lighting their torches, grabbing the nearest pitchfork and march on over to the Cell for a good ol’ fashion lynching.

Just one thing however was left out of the equation. The context of what Ozzie was saying. And it really had nothing to do with Lou and everything to do with the media. Much to the chagrin of the coiffed bobble head, there was little in doubt to whom Guillen was referring. Read and decide for yourself:

“Who cares about Britney Spears? But she’s on TV every day. Why do you think people give a ... about Jose Canseco? That ... sells,” Guillen said Thursday at the end of a 25-minute pregame meeting with reporters. ”Who’s the manager they remember the most? ... Billy Martin. They don’t remember Sparky Anderson. ... They remember Billy Martin because he was the crazy one,” Guillen said. “Why do you think they like Lou Piniella? Because Lou is good? Great guy. Great baseball people. But people love Lou Piniella because he’s ... up!”- ESPN

Admit Jay, you got played on this one. And no doubt that both managers are laughing at your complete expense.

Along with the rest of Chicago.

I had this whole thing ready to go in my head. Think Hellboy meets Mayberry. I am pretty sure it would have been funny too. But, as I was standing on the corner waiting for the light to change, I noticed a young man, maybe 15 years old, reading over my shoulder. Since he was neither rude nor obtrusive, I let him.

The light changed, and changed again. It was an odd moment. Me standing there with the paper folded open to Mariotti’s column*. Him reading over my shoulder carefully. But, in my life I have learned to cherish the odd moments that arise, so I let this one develop.

After he finished he looked up and asked, with a light accent, “Is there something wrong with him?”

I asked who he meant.

He pointed to Mariotti’s picture and said “Him. There is something seriously wrong about this guy.”

I laughed and then asked what he found so wrong.

He pointed out that he was an honors English student and a Sophomore in our public school system. He went on to say that irrelevant tangents, tortured themes and so on would get him an “F”. He also asked, honestly, what the column* was supposed to be about.

I said that the author* wanted the Chicago Bulls to adopt a run and gun offense and hire this coach. The kid looked up at me for a second, his eyes grew wide and he said “Is he f***ing nuts? In the East? They’ll get killed.”

As I walked while happily humming the remaining mile to work, I thought that there is hope for the future after all. Anyway, TomD has already started at thread, so CLICK HERE AND JOIN THE FUN!

Just as you don’t run straight ahead into a swarm of five Green Bay Packers, you don’t tempt fate in a lively part of the lake—Devil’s Cove—where you obviously aren’t liked and you thought the boat police were picking on you. - Jay Mariotti

Oh really Jay?

Cedric Benson, being a “problematic man-child” as you so kindly described and an individual that you probably have never bothered to meet or exchange a conversation, has no business being in places where he is not “liked”?

There is a phrase for that type of mentality. Perhaps you’ve heard of “Jim Crow Laws”.

The truth of this sad matter is that 99.999999999% of the world (yes Jay that includes you as a member of this particular world’s populace) was not there to directly witness this boating incident nor the alleged ensuing police actions enforced afterwards.

A court of law will determine if Cedric Benson is guilty of any crimes. And undoubtedly, an inquiry into the management of the arrest by the police will be conducted. Sensible citizens of this freedom loving and largely law abiding society will patiently await to learn the truth.

Due process is still a staple of American society. Whether an angry bitter aging dwarf recognizes the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty or not. Yes, it is that simple.

It is indeed tragic that Sun-Times sees fit to print such prejudicial garbage on its back page. Evidently bias slandering against one’s character are journalistic attributes valued by its editorial staff. Without interviewing one witness on his own accord, the eunuch proclaims:

It certainly wouldn’t surprise me if Benson, a black man in the South, was roughed up by the authorities as he and at least one friend on the boat claim.  But that should be neither here nor there in regard to his Bears future.

Apparently Cedric Benson is an unwelcome boater in those parts of the Texas. That in itself, is worthy of an investigative journalism effort. Public perception is often that athletes receive preferential treatment from law enforcement. Benson might have an alternate point of view that would be worth listening.  An opportunity for Mariotti to attempt real journalism yet lost once again.

Jay goes to incredible lengths to deny that Benson’s recent arrest should be the reason for the Bears to cut the running back. And admittedly, Cedric’s career has not fulfilled expectations. Never one to pass up an opportunity to piss on another’s grave, Jay crows:

Just because a debate is raging over what actually happened last Saturday evening, in the Hill County near Austin, doesn’t mean a sympathy party should break out in Chicago and across a football nation.

Yes, yes Jay, we are all reading you loud and clear. God forbid if a Chicago athlete’s civil liberties may have been violated. Who cares when it involves a less than spectacular athletic career? Obviously, Jay doesn’t.

Yet, the pissant cannot be satisfied with his argument that the Bears should part ways with Benson based upon his football play. Oh hell no. Once again, the soap box preaching commences:

What I wrote weeks ago unequivocally still stands: The Bears must cut their losses, acknowledge their mistake on Benson and move on. I say this not only because he’s a flop on the field—as general manager/Benson enabler Jerry Angelo finally began to admit after drafting Forte last month -- but because a franchise inundated by criminal behavior and scandals can’t afford another without developing a wretched identity as the Cincinnati Bengals of the North.

The implication is clear. According to Jay, Benson is guilty as sin and the Bears do not to be saddled with that type of identity. Justice be damned as Mariotti has an cleansing agenda to push. Get rid of the player and move on.

This is witch hunting. And nothing more.

Not often that one can read such a contradictory position within the same column* authored by the same columnist*.

Unless it happens to be the back page of the Chicago Sun-Times.

If you are going to be a manly man living in Jay Mariotti’s MANLY MAN world, then you need to know what manly men do and think. What they do is collect rabbits feet and good luck candles to ward off hexes and jinxes. What they think is clearly rooted in the mysticism movements of 1396. There are signs and portents galore that need to be encompassed in a very narrow world view.

Then, no matter the truth, you point out that the spirits are real and talking to you .... and only you.

After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, “Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,” well, you’ll never guess what happened.

Minnesota’s Joe Mauer broke it up, cleanly, with one out in the ninth.

Yes, there should have been a period after “no-hitter” but let’s focus on the important stuff here. The only way Floyd could have known what Hawk said was if he was wearing one of those radios that play TV frequencies in his ear while pitching. Clearly he wasn’t. Also, since Floyd can read, he is perfectly capable of knowing what was going on simply by seeing all those neat zeroes in the box score. Even if he is completely illiterate, all the pitching staff was glued to the fence of the pen, the team was on the rail of the dugout, and so on. In other words, there were clues. Not subtle, but clues nevertheless.

But now, as a manly man wannabe, you need to learn some ground rules.

It’s just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn’t deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow. It isn’t news, of course, that Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I’m just wondering how he’s still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I’d understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

There it is, all you need to learn in one rambling incoherent paragraph. First, note that Floyd is the “polite kid” and not a man in his mid-20’s who cares for his family, has worked his way up through the major leagues and was traded from the city he loved. Nope, he’s just a “kid.” And a well groomed one at that. See, grooming is VERY important if you are going to be a manly man in Mariotti’s little fiefdom. You must also note that the minimum wage is for suckers based on what Mariotti thinks people get paid for not being him*.

But, to make your point, you must note that there is a sad alternative to the glorious life of manly manhood. And it is epitomized by Ozzie Guillen. Because Ozzie is not a manly man by Mariotti’s reckoning. Ozzie’s a (EEEEEK!) guy. As far removed as can be from the metrosexual coiffe that sips raspberry martinis (“Half the vodka, please, I have tickets for Cats”) while pontificating on the revolting status of the proletariat, Ozzie is more likely to hand you a beer and tell you a fart joke. On the plus side, my guess is that it will be a very funny fart joke.

Ozzie Guillen, more than any other manager of recent vintage, is a classic Chicago guy. Not a poof. Not a prima donna. Not a sycophantic scum-ball with delusions of grandeur. Just a guy. The kind of guy every Chicago guy knows well. We drink with his ilk gladly. We work with his kind daily. He knows what goes on a hot dog and what beer goes best with pork rinds. The bonus for all of us guys in the audience is that he is a winner. We can cheer him, guilt free, while we laugh at the boyish antics of his team.

Jay the Joke’s favorite 4:20 fan, The Chronek, has already started a thread, so CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE FUN!